I've been visiting my parents for over a week for some "me" time so that I can focus on myself and not have any marital or parental responsibilities. One of the things I wanted to do while I'm down here is go visit my home ward on Sunday. The first time going to church since I left it four years ago was a few months ago—my husband was out of town and the kids had a Primary program in Sacrament meeting that he said they needed to attend, and so I took them and only stayed for Sacrament meeting, but I didn't like it and I felt guarded. That was because I've never liked the Primary program even when I was a fully believing member of the Church, and in a previous post I mentioned how the Primary songs are indoctrination. So that was a guarded experience. For my visit to my home ward yesterday, I wanted to see if it would be painful, if going back there would bring back bad memories and if I would feel emotionally guarded; I wanted to see if the ward members were close-minded or if they were open to thinking about topics and having open discussions; and I wanted to see who was still there that I knew and cared about.
Surprisingly it was a good experience. I took notes throughout the three meetings and I'll share them here.
Sacrament meeting was boring, but the youth speaker brought up a good point: why do little kids take the sacrament? That's a topic that I discussed with Mike even before I left the Church and it's something we don't have our kids do. But I was glad to see that this teenage boy was using his critical thinking skills and asking questions like this. It was hard to listen to the second speaker because at least half of her talk was quotes, and even her own words might not have been hers because she said she got help with her talk. The third speaker was easier to listen to because she had a much more conversational tone. She said a few things that made me feel bad for her: the guilt and sorrow she feels because of her belief that some of Christ's blood in the Garden of Gethsemane was spilled for her, and that she feels sorrow and discouragement for her failures. I understand where those feelings come from, and guilt and sorrow are meant to be motivators to change, but it's a sad and negative way to look at one's imperfections—that they caused Jesus to bleed and suffer. If your current actions or inactions aren't causing pain to a person that's currently living, don't worry about it.
My mom came with me and we sat on the back row, and so I was able to have a good view of the chapel and the members. It was nice seeing quite a few familiar people. There were some women who I was surprised to see are still alive because it feels like they've been old forever. There was a young man who I last saw years ago as a little kid who would run up and down the aisles in the chapel, and while of course he's not a kid anymore, it's still strange to see him grown up. Other people have died since I was last there about six years ago, and it was sad seeing someone else playing the organ because the old organist died a few years ago.
Also in looking around I saw a man who's probably ten years older than me, and he's a very intelligent man and I've always admired that about him. I wondered how someone as intelligent and well-educated in religion as he is can reconcile things about the Church and gospel that don't fit or make sense? How does he do it? I didn't get a chance to say hi to him after Sacrament, but I would've liked to chat with him.
The reason I didn't get a chance to talk to him was because when Sacrament meeting was over, a lot of people walked by me to leave the chapel and quite a few of them recognized me and said hi and we hugged and chatted. It was so nice to see people who remembered me and were happy to see me. That felt really good and it was the best part of church. The sense of friendship, of community and of belonging—that's the final thing I considered before officially leaving the Church. I wondered if I would be able to sit through three hours of church every week in order to have that social life, if I could stay just for the people and the sense of community. The answer was no, I couldn't do it. And like I said in a previous post, I do miss that sense of community and that sense of belonging, and it was nice to feel that again here.
In the Gospel Doctrine class, the teacher asked the class if there have been times when they didn't know something about the gospel and what they do about it, and someone actually said that sometimes you have to go by blind faith. She actually used the phrase "blind faith", and I cringed because she said it like it's a good thing—like it beats searching for evidence—and no one in the class spoke up against blind faith. No one mentioned looking for evidence, they only gave examples of what they do in falling back on faith. That was disappointing.
Also in Gospel Doctrine, my mom made a comment and that's when I learned that she only took the discussions for two weeks before getting baptised! That's a missionary's dream and she said she was ready for the messages when they came, but wow, I had no idea she joined that quickly. But I guess when you see something you want and you're in a position to have it, it's easy to just go for it.
At one point someone mentioned anti-Mormons, and he said, "It's like 'why do you listen to our General Conferences? Go do something else.'" He said it defensively, and members do get defensive when people aren't there to feel the Spirit and accept the gospel, when instead they're there for intellectual or research reasons. I felt that way back in college when someone I knew came to church with me but it was to take notes on an LDS Sacrament meeting, so I understand. But the members don't understand anti-Mormons' mindset or their desire to look at the Church from an outsider's point of view.
The teacher pointed out something that makes me think he's done a lot of reading about Church history. Moses 6:54 mentions original guilt, and the teacher pointed out that those sounded like Joseph Smith's words and language because the revivals of his time talked heavily about the concept of original guilt. He moved past that point and no one commented on it, but it is an important point overall and the teacher recognized it. I've read about that a lot in one of the sections of the Tanner's book Mormonism—Shadow or Reality?, and so I recognized and know exactly what he's talking about, and he's correct: that was a hot topic in Joseph Smith's time.
Throughout the lesson I could tell that the teacher has done research into what the scriptures say and that he was trying to get the class to think. From the things he said in class, I can tell that he's put a lot of thought into what he's studying, and he's someone I could have a very good intellectual discussion with. I went up to him afterward and I shook his hand and said "You gave a good lesson. You were trying to get people to think, and I appreciated that." I walked away from that meeting feeling good because Sunday School used to be my favorite hour because Gospel Doctrine is the most intellectually stimulating of the meetings, and I liked that this teacher tried to create an atmosphere that was conducive to good discussions. I felt so comfortable there that if I had read the lesson's scriptures beforehand I would've felt comfortable commenting. That was an unexpected feeling, but I liked it.
Relief Society was different, though. What I felt in there is a camaraderie among the women of the ward, and I felt that one of the main strengths of the Church is being around like-minded people. What I didn't feel was the desire to comment, even though there are things I could've said, because the atmosphere wasn't the same as in the Gospel Doctrine class. It's hard to describe the difference, but I'll try. Gospel Doctrine is more conducive to getting into topics and dissecting things, to delving into the scriptures and even debating what's in there to find out what's true. In Relief Society, there's none of that—it's more a feeling of complete agreement, that there's really nothing to discuss and figure out about the lesson, it's more like we all agree completely about everything that's in the lesson and we're just here to talk about it and feel good. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't leave room for differences of opinion, which I have.
The RS teacher said that someone who leaves the Church and becomes anti-Mormon does so because they're doing something wrong "obviously" (which made me wince because there's nothing "obvious" about it), but also because they were offended or because the person didn't have someone to talk to who could help them (i.e. someone who was strong in the Church). Here was an example of members who don't understand or want to admit that many people leave the Church because of things that are wrong about the Church. I asked my mom later that afternoon why she thinks people leave the Church, and she said that everyone leaves for their own reasons, but she thinks it boils down to one thing: a lack of faith. She is extremely faith-based and so that answer isn't surprising at all. I thought about her response and my thoughts are that faith is okay until there is evidence. Once there is evidence that something about the Church isn't true, then it's blind faith to reject that evidence and continue to have faith in its truthfulness. My mom is so entrenched in the Church and in her faith in the gospel that we are on completely different pages when it comes to Church stuff and even talking about it.
Satan was brought up a few times, and the women attributed negative thoughts and feelings to him, not as coming from our own minds because of our circumstances. It's the idea that all negative things come from Satan and all positive things come from God, and that it's Satan who gives us the thoughts that we're not good enough as women or mothers or members of the Church.
Someone talked about the Dark Ages and how it came about when the last of Jesus' apostles was killed and the priesthood was no longer on the earth. However, by that logic, the Dark Ages must've lasted until the 1830s when Joseph Smith was restoring the Church and brought the priesthood back to the earth. But that's definitely not the case. The modern popular concept of the Dark Ages refers to a time of intellectual darkness and general lack of written records which occurred in Europe during the Middle Ages, between the fall of the Roman Empire in ~5th century AD and the Renaissance in the 14th through 17th centuries AD. But actually, modern scholars put this Dark Ages time period as occurring in the early Middle Ages (5th and 6th centuries), and the term Dark Ages isn't really used anymore in scholarly circles when talking about that time period. Priesthood had nothing to do with it, and the Dark Ages certainly never extended into the 1800s.
I got a picture with some of the ladies after church was over because they were part of my Church experience growing up and I like them and I'm not sure I'll be back to the ward again before some of them pass away, and I want to remember them.
Well, the best parts of church were the intellectual atmosphere of Sunday School and seeing people I know and who were happy to see me. My mom was hoping that I'm warming up to coming back to Church, and last night I said in no uncertain terms that I will never come back to the Church. I told her that even if I find God again and decide to start believing he exists (which I probably will never do), I will never rejoin the Mormon church, and I wish she would stop getting her hopes up and then being hurt when I reject her efforts help me come back. So she was disappointed that I didn't go to church because I wanted to come back to the religion, and I was disappointed that she hasn't made efforts to understand why I left and what I think and feel about the Church—she's never read this blog, even when she knew about it years ago, and she just assumes it's totally anti-Mormon and Church-bashing and full of swear words (which further shows that she doesn't understand me). But I still had a good time at church overall. I had my specific reasons for going and it's probably the last time I'll go to church, but at least it wasn't a negative experience.
