I've been thinking a lot about religion for the past week or so. Mormonism specifically because this weekend is General Conference and I hear my husband listening to the talks on his computer, but also Buddhism because this past Friday my husband and I went to see the performance art program called Shen Yun, which is a celebration of thousands of years of Chinese music and dance, and Buddhist principles are thrown in there.
I came to the conclusion long ago that no one knows what happens when we die, no one knows the true nature of the heavens, the dimensions, or the purpose of life. And therefore all religions are putting forth their best guess as to what's going on and what will happen.
Today I was frustrated with my husband because he continues to believe a religion which I've found to be false and invented by a conman. I vented to him about the Mormon church this afternoon, a topic I usually avoid with him because it only leads to contention. But then I realized that he hasn't thought to question the validity of the Church because it works for him; it gives him purpose and it makes him happy. I haven't had the same experience with the Mormon church and that's why the Church doesn't work for me. Christianity in general will not work for me because it teaches that we're constantly sinning, whether because of misdeeds or because of not doing something that we're supposed to be doing, and that we need to rely on the Grace of God to have any hope of being redeemed and saved. I'm still angry about all the years I spent feeling guilt and self-loathing just for being human and having human faults and desires.
The conclusion I reached today is that people need a religion that works for them, one that gives them purpose, makes them happy, and helps them feel peace in this life. For some people, that's Christianity. For some, that's Buddhism. For some, that's Islam. And I need to work on respecting others' beliefs even if they're not ones I share. I'm fairly good at showing respect for other religions, but Mormonism is still a sore spot for me and it's hard to respect a religion that gave me so much unhappiness for the majority of my life. I'm working on it though, and today's realization is helping.
Hopefully one of the religions of the world has it right (the "it" being the right answers to life's questions). But since there's no way to know for sure until we die, then I need to find something that will give me peace and happiness. I am starting to come to grips with the possibility that evolutionary science has it right—that humans are part of an evolutionary process that's been going on for millions or billions of years—and the thought is a lonely one and it makes me feel isolated and utterly pointless. Because if you look at life through a strictly physical, biological, evolutionary lens, then I'm only here to help continue the survival of the human species by raising my children as part of the next generation. I don't have a great mind that can comprehend the cosmos; I have no special skills that can help the human race thrive and not kill itself off or destroy the Earth. I'm just an average person taking up space and oxygen and resources. Like I said, that's a lonely way of thinking and it makes me feel completely pointless but I have to accept that this, too, is a possibility and that maybe there is no "happily ever after" that religions preach.
Well, I'm going to investigate other religions to see if there's one whose principles will help me live the rest of my life with peace in my heart and in my mind since this life, as far as I'm concerned, is all that matters.
